How Pegging Can Help Save The World
It’s a cliche that before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes, but that’s because there’s a lot of truth to that statement. After all, once you’ve experienced something from another person’s perspective, it’s much easier to imagine what it’s like for them. That’s one reason why I think pegging can go a long way toward improving things. Pegging is the term for when women use dildos and strap-on harnesses with male partners. (Is there a different term when people of other genders use strap-ons with male partners?) And while the main reason people do it is because it’s lots of fun, I think there’s an added benefit that lots of folks don’t know about.
There have been plenty of books written about how male/female couples can improve their relationships by learning to see things from the other person’s perspective. Of course, that’s helpful for couples of all gender combinations and sexual orientations, but the differences in both biology and experience often create barriers for m/f pairs. Pegging is a surprisingly effective way to find out what sex is like for your partner.
For men who have never been on the receiving side of penetration, sex is something that happens outside the body. And when sex is external to your body, it can be easier to do when you have a headache or you’re not quite in the mood. A lot of men discover than when sex is about catching rather than pitching, their mood, their emotions, and their connection to a partner can often have a bigger influence on what they want to do and how it feels.
I’ve talked with quite a few men about what they’ve learned from pegging and although it isn’t universal, many of them have said that they have a better understanding how their female partners might need more warm-up before intercourse, or might be in the mood for sex but not penetration, or how much one’s pleasure can be affected by seemingly minor events. Granted, anal penetration is different from vaginal penetration, but my point is simply that a physical experience can be a much more effective teacher than reading a book, just as a picture is worth 1000 words.
On the flip side, when they try pegging, a lot of women discover how much work, responsibility, and (sometimes) power can go along with fucking someone. And that’s without worrying about their cock ejaculating too soon, getting soft at random moments, or being the wrong size (assuming they have choices- there are lots of dildo options out there).
So while I’m not suggesting that it’s a panacea, I do think that trying out sex from the other side can make it easier to understand and have compassion for your partner. That isn’t limited to m/f couples or, for that matter, pegging. But given how many heterosexual folks have never tried strap-on play, it does seem like there’s an unmet need there. It won’t make communication miraculously easy and it won’t fix everything about sexism or gender-based inequities. What it can do (besides being lots of fun) is help people develop empathy, compassion, and understanding for their partners. And the more of that we have in the world, the better.
Want to try it out? Check out our book The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure: Erotic Exploration for Men and Their Partners for a great overview of how to do it. Or check out this page on pegging and anal intercourse from the book’s website.
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You know, I’d never thought of pegging in terms of walking a mile in my partner’s shoes, and now that you’ve said it, I feel like I wasn’t seeing the obvious. Thank you for making me think more deeply about something I already enjoy!
I have experienced this exactly – the discovery of the complexities involved in fucking someone. You men rock! Strength, balance, grace, endurance…and multi-tasking. Wowza.
I write a lot about pegging, and many people have related stories to me confirming your thoughts here from both sides of the equation. The role reversal of pegging carries with it profound emotional and mental explorations far beyond the simple physical exchange. Pegging is not normally one-night-stand material because of the trust and intimacy required, but it has been known to revitalize, deepen and enrich established relationships.
It is refreshing to read about pegging framed outside the typically discussed power exchange. Jane’s and my reality has been consistent with your description here, Dr. Glickman, a real education in understanding each other’s sexual experience.
I will also add that it has been a deeply touching activity which has spawned greater emotional intimacy… aspects that I (as the pursuer of Pegging) was completely surprised by. There are many reasons to love it beyond the physical stimulation, shedding of insecurities and tackling of taboos can only benefit any committed couple.
I have been both top and bottom for anal sex and don’t care for either. In the former, the increased friction causes too fast an orgasm. The latter is prinarily a pin in the butt. On a couple of occasions, with a couple I have penetrated the vagina while the husband penetrated the rectum and enjoyed the feel of our penises rubbing together through the thin walls of the vagina and the colon. The wife claimed to enjoy it, but it escapes me just how.
@Brad – Anal sex done correctly should not be painful. If your partner is too eager and does not give you enough warmup time – it will hurt.
Men enjoy anal because of the prostate. Women enjoy anal because some of the nerve tissues of the clitoris actually extend into the anal area. With both genders there are people who can orgasm from anal stimulation alone.
Ruby Ryder,
Actually, I did have one time when I actually enjoyed getting fucked in the ass. It was at a gay bath house and I told the guy that I found anal sex painful. He said that he would be careful and take a lot of time the loosen me up. First we went and showered together.
Once back in his cubicle, he stareted by kissing me and sucking my nipples and worked his way down to my stomach. He turned me over and kissed and licked my buttocks before spreading my cheeks to lick my ass hole and trying to open my anus with his tongue.
Once I was really turned on, he first used a lot of lubricant to insert a single finger into my ass, the added a second finger when I loosened up a bit, followed by a tird a few minutes later.
Only when I started involuntarily pushing back against he finger-thrusts, did he finally insert his cock. He pushed his cock into me slowly and then with drew until it was almost out. It rook several minutes of this slow fucking befor he his prick was fully inside of me.
By then I was really enjoying it andpushing back to receive as much of his cock as I could get into me. He had good controll and didn’t come for some time, but when I finally felt his warm cum shooting into me I shot my load as well.
Unfortunately, the other times when I experienced getting fucked by a guy, it was a “whan bam, thank you sam” affair with little or no warm-up minstrations.
Brad,
Your story reads like a basic “how-to” for anal sex done the right way to ensure a pain-free experience! Sorry to hear it was a solitary circumstance, though.
I am a firm believer that men (or women!) who have little experience receiving anal really have no concept how much warm-up it can take. Slow is absolutely the operative word.
It can be a luscious, sexy experience indeed.
To answer the question, “Is there a different term when people of other genders use strap-ons with male partners?” No, as pegging was explicitly coined to mean “a woman fucking a man in the ass with a strap-on dildo”.
Benjamin, you seem to be missing the point of m question. I know that pegging was coined to specifically describe a woman using a strap-on with a man. That’s why I asked if there’s a different term if people of other genders do the same thing, with a man on the receiving end.
Great piece! I wish more men who play with women were open to this.
Great analysis here! I have always been interested in pegging a male partner, and I was married to a man for 6 years who let me play in the area a few times, but wasn’t enthusiastic about it…so I felt bad asking for more. Now I’ve found someone willing and interested…he’s already a very thoughtful and empathetic person though, so maybe that has something to do with it!
Homosexuality….. You got all wrong
Great article!
My partner and I have pegging experience – he is very open for anal stimlutation – and for me as a woman it is a great pleasure to see how much he enjoys it. I therefore so wish more men were open for this lustful experience…
Apart from that I simply find that if a man wants me to give the okay for my ass, he should do so as well. Anal sex – for me – is a big trust issue (because it is easier to hurt someone by having anal sex) that should go both ways.
And: I want to get rid of the general and stupid idea that a man who is on the receiving part of anal sex, is doing something “only” gay people do. I mean, how ridiculous is that…?!